Men, do NOT go here: A sartorial public service message

Via the ever-fab Pink Kitty, we learn this morning that for some explicable reason (shaving cream is bad for the earth?) mustaches are making a “comeback”.

This is a bad thing.

Gentlemen, just listen to the voices of wisdom here (those of two ladies, at any rate): Mustaches, more often than not, make a man look, well…kinda sleazy, at worst, and cheesy at best. Even Charlton Heston—Charlton Heston!—looked rather goofy with one in A Touch of Evil. Charlton Heston.

Even Charlie Chaplin’s mustache made him look a little bit like Hitler (something he utilized to delightful advantage in the almost-perfect Great Dictator).

The amount of men who can pull off a mustache and look good is so small as to be almost infinitesimal (I know, this is the sort of intellectual stuff you love reading here, isn’t it?). This means you should probably not try. Who has pulled them off well? Sam Elliott. Robert Duvall. Kurt Russell in Tombstone (Val Kilmer and Bill Paxton, however, looked a bit goofy). Clark Gable, of course, who made women swoon with or without a ‘stache. Errol Flynn (ditto—ladies, stop swooning! Goodness, women are hitting floors all across the nation!). William Powell was all right, though I’m not sure I can picture him without the mustache (gents, Myrna is in that picture as well). Basil Rathbone (doubtless, the mustache was necessary for all of his outstanding turns as bad guys). There are others, but you get the idea, I’m certain.

We are still on the fence regarding Tom Selleck, much as we all love him (especially in Quigley…what is it about that movie?). Burt Lancaster, too…as PK suggested, it’s some sort of dirty 70′s thing in these cases, because we do love Mr. Selleck (particularly when he’s carrying a gun and riding a horse). We’re also on the fence regarding Russell Crowe, and Christian Bale…oh dear. No. Not quite, Batman.

Claude Rains occasionally donned facial hair, and it was only to play undeniably evil guys. Hello? (And we adore Mr. Rains at the Shining City.)

Jack Lemmon did as well, a few times, and every time I see him so, the laughter is un-suppressable.

Who have we never seen in a mustache, or, if we did, it was such an awful memory we wiped it from our memories with a double concentration of Listerine? Cary Grant. Jimmy Stewart (*sigh*). John Wayne (though he may have had one in She Wore A Yellow Ribbon…yes, and it was not the Duke’s best look). Cagney. Paul Newman. Russell Kirk. Edward G. Robinson. William F. Buckley, Jr. Sidney Poitier. The always delightfully smarmy George Sanders. Elvis. Bogart. RONALD REAGAN. (Nor did Heston don another, to the best of my knowledge.) Why is this? Doubtless because these men realized the ‘stache was not for them, and wisely eschewed it.

Please, men, for your own sakes: Don’t do this. To yourselves, or to the rest of us.

Thank you. The previous public service announcement was brought to you free of charge, and not with your tax dollars.

If factually wrong about an actor bearing a mustache, please let us know; however, this does not change the fact that they are, generally, not cool or attractive unless the man in question is one in the list of complimentarily-stached.

Goatees are different.